coradoe83's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- and so i write and here i sit drinking a strawberry cosmopolitan, watching some blue cartoon haired on tv. i have been wanting to write an entry all day long, but could not get myself to actually do it. so the past week has been somewhat lame/predictable and somewhat self revealing. i drank yesterday a hurracane and a adios mother fucker. jose threw up all night long, i did for a lil while. didn't make much of it, just thought 'oh well it comes with all the fun, part of the package' rite?! he claims that he will never ever again have alcohol in his system again. i honestly think is somewhat lame, cuz oh yeah he threw up for quite a while but he knew exactly that it could happen. and besides it was fun---if i would stop doing things after every bad experience I would be in bed all day/everyday..oh so much fun~~i think am starting to love that blurry feeling you get from looking at the surroundings spin out of your control. the club seemed so empty/boring/out of phase but once i drank it seemed so busy/loud/touchy/spinny. i loved it! oh so jose asked someone out today, am very very excited for him...but not to deny it am just bothered by what may happen. is not the idea of him having someone, and me been alone..but rather is the idea that he might dissapear from my life again..like he did when andrew was around.i mean, common' a fucking call every now and then would not have hurt him now would it? to me he completely decemated what we had, and i think that was what really bother the crap out of me. for example, last time around i had had rehearsal and andrew was in the same piece, so afterwards i headed off to my car and andrew went to the costume shop. i guess they were going to meet afterwards, and they hadn't called eachother. but when i got into the car, jose came over to my window and asked 'do you know where andrew is?' i obviously told him where he was, and then with a face and a rude sound he turned around and left. have it that we had not seen eachother in almost two weeks, and had talked on the phone for no more than ten minutes. i was just like...hello am still here...he left me there sitting..he only came back because someone called him and it just happened to have beena someone we both know and i guess he mentioned me, that pissed me off, i even pretended to not know who the person on the phone was, knowing exactly who it was. as you read this you may ask, why so much fuzz over it. but see, days shortly they started talking jose and i were hanging day after day for hours at hand, entire days together sometimes...and to suddenly go from that to not hearing from him for days at end, fucking pissed the shit out of me. well i told him this before, and i hope that it doesn't happen again. it would be a share, a lesson not learned. i think though, that one of the things am so proud of him having learned is to be more sellfish. it took him a pretty good fall for him to realize that and if he forgets it would be a shame. we'll see ....we'll see so the picnic idea was a complete flunder. i guess like jose said, maybe i was so big of a bitch to ppl that they completely decided to not even call as they dind't even care. i was hurt/pissed/bothered, but i figured i'd learned something out of it. See ya'll this is why me trusting others is such an issue, and me not caring what other say or think about me is worthless, because if i did, it would eat me up. today i thought about buying a pet. i would have called it 'fatty' or just recently thought ' little piece of shit' it was a shark. a little black/burgandy little fucking shark. i saw it eating another fish, and it was completely what i felt like at the momment. furiously eating the flesh of another. i have made a choice that i dont think i have made before, as i always thought my life an open book for all to read. however, i decided to start keeping some of my secrets to myself. i just got to say that by the end of the year the man will burn insight. 2:02 am - Monday, Jun. 14, 2004 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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