coradoe83's Diaryland Diary

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emotional break down

my life is in pain right now. i feel angegd in nothing but pitty and acknowledgement of dissapointment. i've lost so much of myself that i can't even go a minute without filling my chest with memories of how things were and how i hoped they would be . instead i have anger towards my own self, the desire to just sit down and cry until i can't feel anything but solace for what its gone and which i can't bring back around to make it what it should have been.
when i lost you i was content thinking that that would be the last thing i would be loosing considering that everything else had already slipped from in between my fingers. i see images that reflect the thing we had but yet rekendle nothing more than the cry for help i hold deep inside and the dissapointment that embelishes the look in my eyes. i was not who i wanted to be, to you. instead of enrapturing you in my life I abandoned you and left you to fight just to get to me, and as it happens always you gave up before i had realized or at least had made my self snap out of it. i can't blame this ridiculously giant feeling of abandonment loneliness on the things that happened. were they going to happen regardless? i don't know. should i have left my dire need to let go of things when they sought freedom subside and have just forced myself to fight for what i had? i will never know, all that i know now is that i am falling into pieces that i don't know how i will get them back to build the efren that was or something close to it.
i've found myself sulking in this web that keeps on shrinking me to a state where i feel no much larger than yorkie. its like day by day my body becomes dull and seems to be sinking into it self.
i feel like it would be great to go ahead and try to get what i have lost. to put my head down and let my armour fall to my feet so that i can be seen as this fucking weak retarded irresponsible immature son of a bitch; however, i just can't do that. something seems to be holding me back. something in me keeps singing this chant 'enola syawla eb lliw uoy" and that gives me enough reason to not step forward and do such a thing. it keeps giving me reason but it makes me feel more lonely than i could ever imagine.
my life as a dancer al ready feels like its going to the bin. i'm not doing anything promising nor for the sake of my training, career or myself. this fullerton gig came up and that's the only thing that came in conversations and deep inside my head i'd walk down the halls hoping that someone asked me about as its the only thing that keeps me alive, its the only thing that i can look forward to without been dissapointed because of regardless of what happens i would have learned something priceless and i would have danced. then i look around and see how everyone else is doing much more and it becomes worthless, and that's how i feel about it now. its just one thing among the many when i was making it all that there was.

person: i wish i had been more receptive to what you were saying to me and had been less ignorant and selfish. i have not felt the pain i do now when i see things that remind me of what could have been there. you were my chalace and i never said it. you were my base and i never said it. you are now gone.

person: i thought we understood eachother but i guess you understood yourself. of all that i knew you broke my heart the most. in other instances i let myself down here i lost my voice and sense of self. i curse you for tricking me in believing there was something of worth fighting for. it was you who showed me there was nothing worth fighting for not the other way around. as much as i wish you could be near to speak to you i will never step down to beg for a friendship again.

person: things are so silly but as i said many times. someone can punch me, can break a leg, run me over with a truck but the simple things as just listening are the most precious i hold dear and close to my heart.

Persons: the more i try or say attempt to get close to someone the more i feel the need to stop right there and then and not place myself in a situation where i'd dissapoint you and I. i feel as if i were against the wall with a sword on my neck been asked to take sides, been asked to be different and indiferrent with one and the other. i find it conflicting knowing that thru all of this i had my side alone and now that mirrors are been broken and i can see into the eyes of others i'd rather to have not. i don't want to make descicions.

i miss you. when you read this don't say anything in return just know it and be content that i've realized this.

6:35 pm - Tuesday, Sept. 12, 2006

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