coradoe83's Diaryland Diary

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today as i spoke to claudia over the phone not only did she make me feel very stupid and overzealous about the idea that i can be a useless person. not really good for anything. those were her exact words and most times than i would like i agree with what claudia has to say about me which has allowed me to grow except this time. i feel i died just a bit, it wasn't the first time i've heard this it wasn't a different tone but i definitely took it from a different angle. it makes me think twice about whether going to grad school was the best of ideas and whether or not the idea of paying that much money for something i don't even think i will be successful at or even good in the heh scale. i'm the worst at teaching specially due to my musicality. i am the worst at dealing with others even if they have the same background even if its something that you gain through experience something that i have not had. i dont think i would be good at doing all of the things i speak about every time someone asks me what i anticipate of doing with my future. as i right this i'm getting a knot in my throat with angst it might be a serious dosage of a panic attack.
claudia has always been someone i respect due to her strong voice, intelligence and clarity of language that's filled with an ability to be well thought ordained. she's the one person i rely for reasoning and to hear the idea that i'm pretty much useless with a lack of ability to connect with those i "pretend to want to help" as she puts it, really reaks a stream of confusion with me. is this the route i want to take? should i just stay put in an office environment and settle my web in that setting? i myself don't feel apt to go out into the field and feel that i heartedly am able to make a difference but its an illusion that my mind has remained solid with for much longer than any other idea. maybe dance is just not the route i need to take with this work, maybe dance can just be a side thing and that the lack of dedication i have for it right now is and will be present even after i leave.

the word "useless" really stroke a chord that is obviously resonant in my head. i feel like it makes me see myself as someone that is not able to fend for himself even less attempt to make an effort to fend for others. makes me see myself as a floating body with no direction , very insecure and potent to distractions that can't be ignore by the passion i lack in my heart.

it bothered me the other time i heard that phrase and it bothered but more so today. am i useless?

1:06 am - Thursday, Jun. 26, 2008

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